Beautiful
by evitascarlett
Summary: An Apologize Deleted Scene: His wife was hiding something and he couldn't understand why…especially if it was as silly as he suspected it might be.


_Authors Note: In Apologize, you got to see Kate's reaction to a certain change in Johanna, but you didn't get to see Jim's reaction (as he found out about it earlier than Kate did). There are a lot of moments from early on between Jim and Johanna (before she moved in with Kate) that were cut from Apologize because I worried about people complaining…and now I'm comfortable enough to write what I want and I'm so glad to be able to go back and fill in some of these scenes that got left behind and to share them with those of you who enjoy them. Thank you for your reviews!_

 _These scenes would've fit between chapters 6 and 7 of Apologize._

Beautiful – Deleted Scene

As Jim sat on the bed in Johanna's hotel room, he watched her subtly from the corner of his eye as she read the cover of the magazine she had bought from a newsstand when they had gone out for a quick dinner at a nearby diner. He'd been watching her for days, but not only because he was still trying to drink in the sight of her and saturate his mind with her image. There was something different about her.

He wasn't a fool; he knew that after so many years apart and what she had been through that there was bound to be things that were different about her now; just as there were things that were different about him. There wasn't anything wrong with that; they were older now, they'd been through hell…but little changes didn't have any bearings on his feelings for her. He still loved her no matter what and he hoped that somewhere inside she knew that. But despite whatever she did or didn't know, he knew one thing for certain; his wife was hiding something from him. He'd been picking up little things here and there and he was piecing together the evidence.

Jim was sure that it wasn't something nefarious, nothing on par with what she had been keeping from him which made it all more difficult to understand; especially if it was as silly as he suspected it might be; because he had a pretty good idea about what it could be. He wanted to prove his theory before he brought it up though…he didn't relish the idea of making a fool out of himself if he was wrong. He needed to investigate…but he couldn't do that when she was sitting next to him. He needed a little bit of time.

"Jo, if you want to go ahead and take your shower, you can," he told her; hoping to get her out of the room for a few minutes so he could satisfy his curiosity.

His voice tore her attention away from her magazine and her gaze flicked to his face. "You don't mind?"

"No; you may as well settle in for the night. I was going to stay for awhile anyway and watch TV with you…unless of course you don't want me to."

Johanna's eyes widened. "Of course I want you to!" she exclaimed. Was he crazy? Did he really think that she'd reject his company when she'd been starved for it for so long?

Jim smiled and she caught the mischievous gleam in his blue eyes. She swatted his leg with her magazine. "You just have to do it, don't you?" she asked; a smile of her own tugging at her lips.

"Yeah, I do," he grinned. "You're always so easily excitable. It makes you fun to play with."

"I'll remember that," she remarked as she slid off the bed. "And I'll get even with you for it one day."

"You always do," he replied; a note of fondness for her in his voice as she took what she needed from the dresser.

"I won't be long," Johanna said; giving him a smile as she made the trek to the bathroom door.

"Take your time; I'll be here."

Johanna couldn't help but feel relieved at those words as she shut the door behind her. Things were starting to feel a little more normal between them now that the shock had worn off. They still had awkward moments now and then but they were getting easier to get through. Things were slowly progressing and it gave her some much needed hope.

Jim waited until the water had been running for a few minutes and then he gave his attention to the drawer of the nightstand…which he often heard opening and closing before she let him into the room. He had heard it that day when he arrived and he was sure that her secret was hidden in there. He hesitated for a moment; he didn't really like to invade her privacy…but given the circumstances, maybe he had a right to, even if it was silly as he suspected.

He carefully and quietly pulled open the drawer. When his gaze fell upon the objects lying inside, he expelled the breath that he had been holding. It was just as he expected, he thought to himself as he looked at the pair of small classy looking silver wire frame reading glasses and the purple eyeglass case lying next to them. His wife wore reading glasses…and she apparently didn't want him to know.

He frowned as he carefully slid the drawer shut. Why was she hiding something so trivial from him? Hadn't she been hiding enough for the last decade? What was the point in it? Was it suddenly illegal for a woman to need a pair of reading glasses? Had he missed something? It wasn't anything to be ashamed of; the majority of people needed glasses at some point in their lives…so why hide it? Was it vanity? Or had she just gotten good at hiding things?

The thought angered him. Why would she rather squint and have him read things to her when she could put those glasses on and do it herself…as she apparently did when she was alone. There was a part of him that thought about confronting her as soon as she came out of the bathroom…and there was also the thought of abandoning his plans to stay awhile longer but then some edge of rationality snapped him back into place. As silly as it was for her to hide something as trivial as a pair of glasses, it was just as silly for him to get so angry about it. He couldn't leave; not after he had told her that he was staying for awhile longer…not after the way her face had lit up in regard to those words.

He couldn't confront her yet either…he'd have to wait until she was exhibiting those signs of being unable to read small print clearly and then he'd call her out on it. There was still that flicker of irritation over her hiding something from him though and he didn't mask it quickly enough as she stepped out of the bathroom.

Johanna shoved her discarded clothes into the bag she was using for her laundry and then turned toward her husband. He didn't look as relaxed as he had been before she left the room. She toyed with the thin strap of her peach colored summer nightgown as she moved to the bed and sat down on the edge.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

Jim shook his head. "No; I'm fine."

"Did I take too long?"

"No; I told you to take your time."

Her gaze dropped as her fingertips began to trace the design in the comforter. Had she been hasty in her thoughts that things were getting better; that the awkward moments were getting easier? Maybe he had changed his mind and didn't want to linger there with her after all.

"Did you change your mind?" she asked softly.

"About what?"

"Staying," she answered. "It's okay if you did; I understand. Maybe you have something else you'd rather do."

"Like what?" Jim asked. "Watch TV with another woman?"

Her eyes met his. "I hope not," she murmured.

He gave himself a mental kick; he shouldn't have said something like that. He didn't want her to think that he had other options for female companionship, because he didn't. His hand reached for hers; those split second hesitations about touching her had worn off after those first few days. "You're the only woman in my life, Jo. There's no other woman I'd rather watch TV with, or anything else for that matter."

A small smile graced her lips. "That's good to know…because you know; you've always been the only man I want to do anything with. But I know that you have your family and your friends…and that maybe you'd rather be with them, doing something else."

Jim's hand squeezed hers. "You're my family…and you've always been my friend. I said I was staying and I meant it. What's brought this on?"

"You just seemed like something was wrong."

He needed to get it together; he told himself. This thing about hidden eyeglasses didn't need to be blown out of proportion. They'd straighten it out tomorrow. For tonight, they could just go back to enjoying their time together.

"Nothing's wrong; I was just thinking about a case I'm working on," he lied. "You know, I told you about how I do consulting and I help put cases together."

She nodded. "I remember. Is it a tough one?"

"They all seem to be at times; don't they?"

Johanna smiled. "Yeah, they do…but I know you'll work it out. You always do."

He gave her hand a tug, urging her to take her place beside him as he gave her a reassuring smile. Johanna moved from her place at the edge of the bed and settled into her spot, leaning back against her pillows as his hand slipped away from hers. The loss of contact always sent a pang skittering across her heart but she knew that she couldn't hold on to him all night…no matter how much she may want to.

She could feel her husband's eyes upon her and she glanced at him; wondering if maybe something wasn't on his mind after all. "What?"

Jim shook his head. "Nothing…I just think you look pretty in this," he said; his fingers touching the silky material of her nightgown for an all too brief moment.

The corner of her mouth curved upward and she dipped her head shyly for a moment. "I'm glad you think so."

"I always think so," he murmured.

Johanna hoped that was true…or perhaps she should say that she hoped that the sentiment was _still_ true. After all, she was older now; and while she didn't think that her outward appearance had changed much; he might beg to differ…especially if he ever saw her in those damn glasses she wore to read. She had almost forgotten to take them off before answering the door the day before but thankfully she caught herself. It was ridiculous, she knew that; but still, she wanted to wait awhile before letting Jim see them.

"What do you want to watch?" her husband asked as he picked up the remote from the nightstand.

"You can pick."

"We'll both pick," he replied. They looked over the listings together and decided upon a sitcom rerun until a movie began in the next time slot.

"I wish we had popcorn," Johanna said as she made herself more comfortable.

"I guess we could call room service and see if they have any."

"They'd probably want fifty dollars a bag," she laughed. "I'm not that desperate."

"I wouldn't doubt that they'd want a fortune for it," Jim chuckled. "But that little store on the corner has popcorn. They make it the way they do at the movie theater…I could go get us a bag before the movie starts."

"You'd do that?"

He nodded. "I think popcorn sounds pretty good. I might even bring you back a candy bar."

"That would be nice," she smiled. "Maybe you should bring something back to wash it down with."

"You got it…and I'm sure you want Coke."

"Always."

"Okay," he said as he pushed himself off of the bed; thinking to himself that maybe a run to the store would help get him back in the mindset he had been in earlier before he had gone snooping.

Johanna followed him to the door, waiting to lock it behind him. "You'll be back?" she asked; the words falling from her lips without permission.

He looked startled for a moment and then shook it off. His abrupt change of mood had startled her and now she was afraid that he would abandon her. "Of course I'm coming back," he told her, an easy smile coming to his lips. "I won't be long."

"I'll be waiting," she promised.

* * *

Later that evening, after the popcorn and candy Jim had bought had been consumed and the credits were rolling on the movie; he got up once again to take his leave. He noted the flicker of sadness in his wife's eyes as he told her that he better be getting home. He'd be lying if he said that it wasn't hard to leave her behind…but he knew it was how things had to be right now.

Once again, she followed him to the door, forcing herself to swallow her emotions. She hated when they had to say goodnight…hated how empty and cold everything seemed to be without him. She had to put on a brave face though; it was how it had to be for now…and as usual, she could always cry when he left…and she would; she always did. But she didn't want him to feel badly for it, so she always did her best to hold back the tears.

"I have to do some work in the morning," Jim told her as they lingered by the door. "But I'll come over when I'm finished; I should be done in time to take you out for a late lunch if you want."

Johanna nodded. "I'd like that. If you call when you're on your way, I can be ready when you get here."

His hand brushed her arm in a gesture of affection. "I'll do that…and I'll call you in the morning before I go to work…just so we can talk for a few minutes."

A small smile spread across her lips; that was becoming a new addition to their routine of visits and phone calls. Another flicker of hope…and yet another ache as well as she wished that she could kiss him goodnight. "That'll be nice," she murmured; trying to keep her emotions out of her tone.

Saying goodnight was always the hardest part of their visits; Jim thought to himself…and yet he had to tear himself away. He reached for her hand, a habit that was usually hers before they parted but he found that it was becoming habit to him as well. Her hand slipped into his without hesitation and he acted on impulse as he brought it to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss against her skin.

She was sure that her heart skipped a beat at the feel of his lips against her skin. He moved to release her hand but she tightened her grip, her other hand covering it as well, holding it hostage for a moment. She raised his captured hand to her lips and kissed it as he had done hers…her eyes meeting his as she did so.

Longing swept through him, but he didn't act upon any of the things that his heart begged him to do. He gripped her hand for a moment more and then reluctantly let go. "Goodnight, Jo," he said quietly.

"Goodnight, Jim," she whispered. "See you tomorrow?"

He nodded; knowing she needed reassurance despite the plans they had made. "I'll see you tomorrow…I promise."

* * *

The next afternoon, Jim stood by patiently as Johanna moved around the room getting ready for their lunch date. He had forgotten to call and tell her that he was on his way. As she moved into the bathroom to touch up her makeup, his gaze landed on her purse which was sitting on the foot of the bed. It was unzipped and he could see the purple eyeglass case shoved inside. He stepped toward the nightstand and cautiously pulled the drawer open; the glasses were gone…so apparently she carried them with her but didn't use them in his presence, he thought to himself as he closed the drawer.

It still chaffed a little that she was hiding something so ridiculous but he figured it would all be taken care of soon enough. He'd let her know that he was on to her before too long.

"I'm ready," Johanna said, breaking his reverie as she stepped back into the room.

"I'm sorry I forgot to call, Jo," he said as she dropped her compact and lipgloss into her purse and zipped it shut.

"That's okay," she smiled. "I could've been ready on my own without the call but to tell you the truth, I went back to sleep after you called this morning. I didn't wake back up until almost eleven."

"Bored you that much, did I?" he asked lightly as they stepped into the hallway.

"Just the opposite," she replied; a burst of warmth spreading across her heart as he took her hand. "Talking to you relaxes me…it helps me sleep a little better. I just didn't mean to sleep so long. You said it would be a late lunch so I took my time getting up and getting a move on."

"What I had to do didn't take me as long as I anticipated so I figured we could eat at a more normal hour. Are you having problems sleeping, Johanna?"

"No more than usual," she remarked as they paused in front of the elevator. "I haven't slept well in a very long time…but it's a little better now."

Jim nodded in understanding and made a mental note to start calling more often in the mornings when he had to work…or better yet, he'd just start calling every morning. He usually didn't get to her hotel to see her until the afternoon…if she could catch a few more hours sleep in the morning then so be it; he'd do whatever he could for her.

* * *

Jim watched Johanna subtly as she moved the menu a little closer to her face. Apparently the action wasn't enough to see the tiny print and she squinted in response. He just couldn't understand why she felt the need to hide the fact that she needed reading glasses. Millions of people wore glasses to read, there was no shame in it. Whatever the reason, it had gone on for long enough. Waiting to confront her about the issue wasn't going to make him feel any better…it was best to do it now, and perhaps spare her eyes some strain.

"Jo, maybe you'd be able to read the menu if you put your glasses on," he commented.

Her head jerked up at the words and she stared at him for a moment before speaking. "What?"

"Put your glasses on," he stated. "You know, the ones in that purple case in your purse."

"What makes you think that case isn't for my sunglasses?" Johanna asked; clearly a bit shaken that he had discovered her secret.

Jim met her gaze and held it. "Because I know. I saw it that day your purse fell off the bed. You scrambled to shove it back in the bag along with the rest of your stuff and at first I did assume that you were keeping your sunglasses in it…until I remembered that your sunglasses were one of the things you shoved back into your bag. Then I started to notice that you squint when you're reading small print…sometimes you even ask me to read it to you. I brushed that off at first, thinking that it was just your way of keeping conversation going but the more you squint, the more I realized that wasn't the case at all. Then there's the fact that I sometimes hear the nightstand drawer being jerked open and shoved closed while I'm waiting for you to open the door. There's always a newspaper or open book lying on the bed during those occasions."

The corner of her mouth curved upward in a slight smile. "You can take the man out of the courtroom but you can't take the courtroom out of the man."

He gave her a hint of an amused smirk but his gaze remained serious. "I haven't even presented my biggest piece of evidence yet."

"Do tell," she quipped, picking up her glass of water and taking a long sip.

"Last night while you were in the shower, I opened up the nightstand drawer to see if I was right about what you were hiding. Do you know what I saw in there?"

Her eyes closed; she knew what he saw but her lips pressed into a tight line, stubbornly refusing to answer.

Seeing that Johanna wasn't going to make any remark, Jim continued on. "I found a pair of small silver wire framed reading glasses and a purple case."

Johanna opened her eyes and looked at him, knowing he was far from finished. "And?"

Jim laid his menu aside and interlocked his fingers as his hands rested on the table. "Did you really think you could hide it forever?"

"No; of course not. I was just hoping I could hide it for awhile longer."

"Why? Don't you think you've hidden enough lately?"

Her eyes lowered at the remark, another sting landing against her heart. She knew it was stupid to try and hide the fact that she needed glasses…but she felt insecure and she had a small list of irrational reasons.

"Well?" her husband asked and she could feel his eyes boring into her.

She shrugged, still stinging from the slap in the face about all the things she had hidden recently. "Maybe I thought I had blown your mind enough for awhile…why add reading glasses to the mix."

"That's ridiculous, Johanna; and you know it. Why would you go through the trouble of hiding something as silly as glasses?"

"I just didn't want you to know yet."

"Why?" he insisted on knowing. "Give me a reason."

She sighed and squashed a spark of temper. Snapping at him wouldn't do her any favors, not when she was on such shaky ground. They didn't need an argument about such a small thing. "I…I just didn't want you to see me with them yet. I wanted you to be used to me again…I…"

"You what?" he asked somewhat sternly.

"I didn't want to be less attractive to you," she admitted softly. "Although I know I have plenty of non-physical things making me unattractive right now."

His brow rose. "Who told you that?"

"No one has to tell me," Johanna replied. She looked at herself in the mirror every day and knowing how ugly she felt on the inside made her feel ugly on the outside as well. "I just wanted to stay somewhat attractive to you…if that's possible, given everything that's happened."

"What does any of that have to do with finding you attractive?"

"Jim," she breathed. "Do we really have to go into a deep explanation about that? I feel a headache coming on."

"That's probably from squinting so you can read the damn menu."

"I was going to tell you," she exclaimed in a hushed voice. "I just wanted to wait until I felt better about things, okay?"

"I don't know how to take that, Johanna," he said as he studied her. "Are you saying that you thought if you opened the door with glasses on that I'd just drop you right there and go on about my business like it was some kind of deal breaker just because you can't read small print as well as you used to?"

"No; I'm not saying that. I'm saying that you'll find me less attractive and…"

"And what? You feel like attraction is the only thread you're hanging onto right now?"

In a nutshell, yes, she thought to herself. He had yet to mention any words of love although he sometimes offered her small measures of affection. She wasn't sure exactly where she stood or when the ground would get yanked out from beneath her. Maybe it was stupid but a part of her felt like if she could hold on to the attraction he had always had for her that she'd have more of a chance at reclaiming her life with him.

"It's hard to explain," she told him.

"No it isn't; it's just ridiculous. Now put your glasses on and read the menu because I'm not going to do it for you when you're capable of doing it yourself…and I don't want to see you squinting. You need glasses and you have them, so use them. I assure you that I can handle the shock; I've handled bigger ones."

Was he going to smack that in her face for the entire meal? She was well aware of what she had done and that he was still angry. She didn't begrudge him his anger, but she'd rather he unleashed it on her behind closed doors so that she wouldn't have to hold herself together so much. She didn't reply to his comment, merely kept her head somewhat lowered and her gaze away from his face. Her purse was sitting next to her in the booth and she reached into it and pulled out the purple case and opened it, extracting her reading glasses and slipping them onto her face. She couldn't bring herself to look at him and so she picked up her menu and studied it now that she could read it clearly.

"Look at me," Jim said gently as his wife kept her head lowered, obstructing his view.

Slowly, Johanna raised her head, her green eyes meeting his blue ones. A smile touched his lips as he looked at her and she frowned, knowing that the picture wasn't pretty. "Go ahead and laugh. Get it out of your system. I know I look old and hideous with these damn things so you just go ahead and have yourself a real good laugh about it," she told him, her tone sharp but cracking at the end of her statement.

The comment struck him and he realized that he had somehow made an error in handling this situation. All he had thought about was the fact that she was yet again hiding something from him, something trivial at that…but now it was clear that it wasn't trivial to Johanna. She was sensitive about the issue…about him seeing her this way. When they had begun the discussion he had thought it was nothing more than a ridiculous bout of vanity…but his wife had never been one to be vain for her own sake. If she worried about her looks it was always in regard to what he might think. She had been like this during those first several weeks after she had had Katie. She hadn't wanted him to see her in any state of undress until she had shed every single pound and had made peace with the changes to her body that she couldn't undo. She drove herself crazy over those last few pounds, and oddly enough, it had been his father-in-law who had to take him to task when he accused her of being vain. Frank McKenzie hadn't shied away from telling him that Johanna wasn't worried about her looks for herself, she was worried about them because she was afraid that she'd no longer please him. He had told him in no uncertain terms that it was his job to make her realize that small changes didn't detract from her beauty in his eyes; that those last few pounds weren't worth the stress of trying to lose. Back then he had eventually succeed in making her realize that she was still beautiful to him, that he actually preferred her to keep those last few pounds because he had always felt that she had needed them anyway.

It hadn't been easy but he had learned…and this situation with her glasses wasn't much different. She was still afraid that she would no longer please him; that wearing glasses made her old somehow. He almost scoffed aloud at the thought. The word old never entered his mind when he looked at his wife; they weren't anywhere near being old yet in his mind and he had thought she felt the same in hers. Being in their early 60's, they were by most definitions, still middle aged…but the glasses bothered her, maybe they made her feel like she was getting old before her time. It wasn't the case and he'd have to convince her of that.

Jim glanced at her, her focus once again on the menu as a teardrop broke free and slid down her cheek, tearing his heart into pieces. He had handled this badly and hurt her…and she was already hurting enough. He stretched his fingers out toward her hand and caressed her smooth skin. "I wasn't going to laugh at you," he said sincerely, his tone quiet and gentle.

"You can," she remarked; not bothering to look at him. "I know how I look with them on. It's not a pretty picture."

"That's not true," he soothed; "And you certainly don't look hideous and old."

"Right," she scoffed.

"You don't; you're not old, Jo. We're still middle aged."

"It's easier to look it without glasses."

"You only wear them to read; it's not such a big deal. Lots of people wear them, even little kids."

"You don't," she remarked.

"No; but my hair is gray and yours isn't. I know you're not coloring your hair; I'd be able to tell. I know that's all your natural color. Does the fact that my hair has turned lessen your attraction to me?"

Johanna's eyes snapped back to his face. "No! I think you're every bit as handsome as you always have been, nothing could change that."

"Then why would it change in my eyes about you?" he asked.

"Because it's different for women…men age and they just look distinguished. Women aren't always lucky enough to hold on to a shred of their looks."

"That's not something that you need to worry about, Jo. You don't look your age; neither did your mother or grandmother. You have good genetics; time isn't punishing you in any way. You're still beautiful. You'll always be beautiful in my eyes, no pair of glasses can change that, but in all honesty they don't look bad on you."

Her eyes spoke volumes of disbelief. "Yeah right."

"They don't," he insisted and then he smiled, taking care not to look like the gesture was meant as a laugh. "I think you look cute," he said, his tone dropping an octave as his fingers caressed her hand.

"I hate them," Johanna murmured.

"You shouldn't; there's nothing wrong with them, you hardly notice that they're there, honey. Your hair covers the arms; the bottoms of the lens are unframed, allowing them to blend in with your face. The silver of the frames blends well with your coloring; the part of the frame that's visible doesn't stick out like a bold color would and they're small. If anything, they just make you look like the intelligent woman that you are."

"Looking smart has never ranked all that high for me," she replied. "I'd rather look like a dumb bell than an old librarian."

Jim laughed. "Jo; librarian is not the image that comes to mind when I look at you; glasses or not."

"You're sweet to say so…but I still hate them."

"What about…in Wyoming?" he asked. "Did they bother you this much in Wyoming or do they just bother you with me?"

"I didn't care what anyone in Wyoming thought when they looked at me. I only care about what you think when you look at me," Johanna stated as she met his gaze once again.

Jim nodded. "When I look at you, I see the same beautiful, vivacious, warm, loving woman that I've always seen. She's always taken my breath away and she still does. I know it's hard for her to believe that sometimes, but it's true. She could never not be beautiful to me…no matter what's she done or had to do…no matter if she wears reading glasses or not…although I'd prefer that she wear them so she doesn't squint. I want you to believe that, Jo; I mean every word. The glasses don't detract from you in my eyes; they don't bother me at all, okay?"

She nodded, another tear breaking free as it finally started to sink in to her that he was sincere in those feelings. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know it was dumb to try and hide it…especially when I have bigger sins to carry."

Jim shook his head. "Maybe focusing on something small like hiding the glasses was easier than thinking about the bigger stuff right now."

"Maybe," she admitted softly. "I just…I guess I wanted to feel more secure before I let you see me with glasses. It's kind of like before we were dating and we'd push the boundaries and I'd get nervous and pull back because I'd start to worry that I wouldn't be what you wanted…that there'd be something that would make you change your mind about thinking I was beautiful. Not that I think I am, because I don't…but it's easier to feel like I am with you…and…let's just forget it," she said abruptly, feeling silly.

"No; I get it," he assured. "I just had to remember that I've learned this lesson before."

Johanna knew what he was referring to and she nodded. "I guess I get stuck on little things sometimes…like three extra pounds that I still have and a pair of reading glasses."

Her husband smiled and squeezed her hand. "I like those pounds and I think the glasses are cute. You don't need to worry, okay?"

"Okay," she murmured; feeling a little better although he'd never convince her that those damn glasses were cute.

The waitress appeared and took their order, sparing her from conversation for a few minutes but after the waitress scurried away, her husband spoke once again. "How long have you had them?" he asked as she pulled the glasses off and put them back in the case.

"About five years," she answered. "The small print was getting harder to see and I was getting more headaches than usual. I remembered Mom complaining about those things and that was when she got reading glasses. I went to the eye doctor and he said I needed them and that my headaches would ease up. The prescription isn't all that strong; he said that my eyes aren't too bad; that I just need the small stuff magnified a little…thank God."

"I'm glad that you went to the doctor…I know how you feel about that," Jim remarked.

"Yeah, well…if I didn't love to read so much I probably wouldn't have, but I do so I made myself go."

"Good; I don't want you suffering through something that can be easily solved."

She gave him a small smile and silence fell between them for several minutes as they waited for their food. After it arrived, Jim once again looked across the table at his wife. "Is there anything else I need to know, Jo? Anything you've been afraid to mention?"

"Like what?"

"Health wise," he remarked.

Johanna shook her head. "I'm fine. I had a check up and all the hoopla that goes along with it. I'm still healthy."

"I'm glad to hear that," he replied.

"What about you? Do I need to know anything in that area?"

"No," he answered honestly; "I'm fine, Jo. I'm not on any medication or have any problems…except that my shoulder still hurts at times."

"I've noticed."

"You have?"

"Yes…you always squeeze it when it's bothering you. You were doing that the other day…I was going to offer to rub it for you like I used to, but I…didn't know how you'd feel about that."

Jim gave her a warm smile. "I would've appreciated the offer…and I probably would've taken you up on it."

"Then the next time I see that it's bothering you, I'll mention it," she responded; feeling something loosen in her chest.

He nodded and brushed his fingers against hers. "And if you need something, I want you to tell me and I'll do my best to take care of whatever it is, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly.

Jim squeezed her hand. "See, it's not so bad, is it?"

"No, I guess not. I just worry…you know that I always have."

"Yeah; I know…probably more now than you ever have."

Her head bobbed in agreement but she said nothing; she didn't really want to talk about it. She just wished that she could snap her fingers and make everything better than it was at the moment.

"Hey," Jim said gently; drawing her gaze back to his. "Don't worry; it's going to be okay."

A hint of a smile touched her lips; her eyes lighting up a little, making him smile in response. "I'll try not to worry so much," she murmured; "And I promise that the glasses are the last secret that I have."

"I believe you," he replied; wanting to make sure that she knew that he wasn't doubting her honesty in any way.

"So we're okay?"

"We're fine, Jo; remember, you're not supposed to worry."

She gave a soft laugh. "It's easier said than done…maybe one day I'll be able to worry a little less."

Jim hoped that would be true for both of them.

* * *

That evening as Johanna moved to follow Jim to the door; she paused to take off her glasses but he caught her wrist, pulling her hand away from them as he studied her.

"You know; you're just as beautiful with them as you are without them," he remarked.

"I appreciate you saying so," she replied; disbelief shining brightly in her eyes.

Jim smiled softly. "I mean it."

"I know you do," Johanna said as she reached for her glasses and pulled them off, laying them on the nightstand in anticipation of reading for awhile.

"Jo," he said and then trailed off; his hand squeezing the back of his neck.

He was nervous about whatever it was he had to say, she thought to herself as she watched him. He always squeezed the back of his neck when he was nervous.

"What is it?" she asked; her tone void of the slight tremor of fear that she felt.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

Jim shifted on his feet; unsure if he really wanted to go where this question was headed. Her life without him was such a hard thing to think about it, and truth be told, he'd rather not think about it if he could avoid it…but the question had been nagging him all day.

"Jo; why didn't they make you change your appearance somehow? You always read and see on TV that people in witness protection are sometimes asked to cut and dye their hair and things like that…how come they didn't make you?"

The question landed with a thud against her heart. She wasn't opposed to answering any questions he had about what had happened and where she had been…but it wasn't easy. She felt her throat tightening as she recalled those days and her hand curled at her side, her fingernails digging into her palm.

"They wanted me to," she whispered. "They wanted me to dye my hair; they were even mentioning those contacts that make it look like you have a different eye color. But I wouldn't do it. I refused…they didn't like it but I…I wouldn't do it."

The anguish on her face made him wish that he hadn't asked but he pressed forward anyway. "Why not?"

"Because, I couldn't," Johanna answered as she swallowed hard; trying to keep the tears at bay. "I knew how much you liked my dark hair…you always made me promise not to cut and dye it; and I know, I broke the promise about cutting it long before any of this happened but I couldn't dye it…I couldn't break my promise to you. And I wasn't going to wear contacts to make my eyes look blue instead of green…not when I knew how much you always loved them," she said; her voice cracking. "I couldn't change how I looked…I was breaking enough promises to you, I couldn't break anymore and…"

"And what?" he asked quietly; his heart thudding against his ribs.

"And…and I made them promise me that if it looked like you and Katie were in danger that they'd send you to be with me…and I wanted you to be able to know for sure that it was really me if you got sent there; I wanted you to be sure," she cried; one tear and then another tumbling down her cheeks.

It wasn't easy to hear her talk about this…it was even harder to see the pain in her eyes. And yet another question swam to the surface. "Was the F.B.I. watching us?"

Johanna took a shaky breath; her fingers brushing away the tears that had escaped. "They were keeping an eye on things; making sure that the two of you weren't in danger. That was part of my deal…I needed to know that you were safe. I called the agent every few months to make sure they were keeping their deal."

Jim's eyes flicked away from hers. Instead of being watched he would've rather been sent with her. The thought touched on a well of anger that he worked hard to keep buried. Another glance at her mournful face clamped the lid on that well though. He wasn't going to go there today; it was too hard for both of them. He was about to let her off the hook and leave but she spoke again.

"I couldn't change the way I looked because of you…because when I realized it wasn't going to be over as soon as I hoped…I started hoping that you'd find me somehow," she said; her voice cracking again. "I kept hoping that you'd stumble across me…that something would bring you out there and you'd see me…and if I looked the same, you'd know it was me…I wanted you to find me, Jim," she sobbed.

Jim's heart twisted in anguish; she had wanted him to find her…oh God, she'd been sitting out there praying that he'd come and find her…end the hell they were living in. He wished he had stumbled across her accidentally...that he could've ended this all long before now. His fingertips fell against her lips. "Shhh," he murmured. "I'm sorry, Jo; I wish I had found you…I…"

She shook her head. "You didn't know," she said softly; her voice choked with the tears that refused to stop falling. "It's not your fault…and a part of me knew you wouldn't be able to find me but I kept hoping that maybe somehow you would. I just wanted to come home, Jim. I just wanted you to be able to know it was me when I did. I couldn't let them change me like that…they were already taking so much away from me that I couldn't let them take anymore. I couldn't do it because of you. I told them that if they were sending me that far away that it shouldn't matter…they gave in because I refused to budge."

"That's my girl," he remarked softly; his own throat tight with emotion. "Sassy always stands her ground."

Johanna gave him a wobbly smile as she tried to bring herself under control but the wound was raw; everything still hurt so badly and she just couldn't seem to stop.

He had to comfort her, he thought to himself; and yet he didn't reach for her and pull her into his arms as he'd like to do. He wasn't ready for that yet but he couldn't stand there and give her nothing. His hand moved slowly; reaching out and cradling her face; his thumb sweeping across her damp cheek bone. She leaned into his palm, drinking in the feel of his hand against her skin, her eyes closing as she cherished the moment.

"I want you to know that I would've understood if you had come home with a different hair color, Jo," Jim said quietly; his voice gruff as he held back his own emotions.

"I know you would've."

"I wouldn't have liked it," he remarked honestly; "But I would've understood…and you still would've been beautiful to me."

She gently wrapped her hand around his wrist to keep his hand in place although he gave no indication of removing it, but she needed the added the contact. "You would've still been beautiful," he said once again; "But I would've made you dye it back to its natural color."

She laughed softly; a smile coming to his lips as well as her eyes opened and looked at him. "I would've worried if you hadn't made me change it back," she told him. "If my hair was a different color and you didn't show up at the door with a bottle of dye to make it dark brown again, I would've taken it as a very bad sign about the state of our relationship."

He chuckled quietly; his thumb caressing her cheek. "Rest assured that I would've demanded a return to your natural color…but thankfully we don't have to worry about that…and don't you ever do something to change those pretty green eyes, sweetheart. I'm not bothered by the reading glasses; and if you wanted to wear contacts that would be fine too, but they better be the normal ones…not those ones that make your eyes a different color. Don't you ever…"

"I'd never," she said with a shake of her head, interrupting him. "I'd never change them, Jim…I know how you've always felt about them. They look ordinary to me…but I know you loved my eyes."

"I still love your eyes," he murmured; his head dipping without thought, his lips brushing the skin at the corner of her eye.

Her breath caught; his lips near her ear as he spoke again. "You're beautiful…no matter what…whether you wear glasses or not…no matter how much you weigh or how old you are…no matter the color of your hair…or scars or any other perceived blemish…you're always going to be my beautiful girl, Johanna; always. I want you to know that and believe it," he whispered, his lips brushing a kiss against her cheek.

Her heart fluttered wildly and she wished so desperately that she could wrap her arms around him; that she could kiss him the way she had been longing to do. "Do you understand, Jo?" he asked. "You're beautiful."

Johanna nodded, her hand sliding up his wrist to lay against the hand that was still cupping her face. In his eyes, she could believe that she was somehow beautiful… _they_ were beautiful.

Jim pressed a feather light kiss against her forehead and then carefully pulled his hand away from her face. "I didn't mean to upset you," he told her as she wiped her cheeks.

She shook her head. "You didn't…it's just…"

"I know," he said; sparing her the words.

"Jim…"

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry about hiding the glasses from you. It was foolish…I'm trying to regain your trust and I'm doing stupid things like that."

"It's alright," he told her; his hand brushing her arm. "I understand; don't let it worry you, okay? I know now…and all that matters is that you're here; we'll work out the rest as it comes along."

"Okay," she whispered; knowing that he was sincere in his statement. He wasn't going to hold this mistake against her.

"Are you going to be okay?" Jim asked her.

"Yeah; I'll be okay…you'll be back tomorrow?"

"I promise…you want to smile for me, so I know you're okay?"

A smile came to her lips even as her heart continued to ache, knowing that he was leaving; that she'd spend another night alone. She followed him to door and told him goodnight; locking it as he left her behind.

Johanna exhaled a weighted breath; feeling a little drained from her emotional breakdown but she moved away from the door and set about her nighttime routines. Awhile later, moments after she had settled into bed and found a late night talk show to watch, her phone rang. She picked it up from the nightstand and saw Jim's name on the screen. Worry washed through her as she accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey," her husband replied.

"Is everything okay?" she asked; unable to read him from his tone.

"Yeah; I…just wanted to make sure that you were okay...and I thought maybe you'd sleep better if we talked a little first."

"I'm sure I will," she told him; a soft smile spreading across her lips.

"Are you okay?" he asked again.

Johanna breathed deeply; her heart didn't hurt as much as it usually did. "I'm getting there," she answered; knowing that he'd read into the statement and know exactly what she meant.


End file.
